Uncomfortably Numb

Sometimes it is hard to tell if numbness is a blessing or a curse.  Calluses are often necessary blessings for protecting sensitive areas from frequent irritation and often times I think emotional calluses are very helpful in similar ways.  Other kinds of numbing scare me though.  Some of my residents at work have numbing in their limbs, especially feet, due to diabetes and other.  Mom, also, experiences a good deal of numbness and stiffness in her feet and legs from the nerves slowly loosing contact with the rest of the body.  Those kinds of numbness are especially dangerous because as the nerves die you are less and less aware of what is going on around that body part.  There is an increased chance that something can wound that body part and it go on unnoticed until it becomes a serious problem.  This is why so many of the people I work with are missing limbs.  

Emotional numbing can work like that as well.  The good calluses aren’t always on the surface caused by irritants.  Numbness can form deep within from wounds and other afflictions and the hurting becomes so normal in life that a person can stop noticing that part of their life until it festers so badly that it threatens the entire body.  Sometimes amputation is necessary to protect the lives threatened.  Thankfully, not being any sort of physician that is not my call to make. However I imagine that divorce is probably just one of the ways of amputating an affected body part. 

We’re probably all a little numb to parts of us, as is normal.  After all, we don’t constantly notice the feel of our socks as we walk across the parking lot late for work, only when it’s drawn to our attention. Likewise, tumors often need to become quite large to cause pain.  I worry when I become too numb though.  It is easy for me to just shut off the emotion in parts of my life.  I find myself more likely to act recklessly in certain areas and less likely to notice wounds inflicted on myself and others.  Catching myself wanting to tell others to “suck it up and deal” when they have life problems is probably a good indication that there is something more than a casual callus on that aspect of life.

 In a young Indiana Jones movie Indy goes undercover during WWI and is offered a pair of “spy shoes” with a switch blade in the tip for easy access.  The knife causes him a good deal of comedic trouble by coming out at the wrong times and tripping him up.  Imagine walking in those shoes with numb legs and feet though.  As clumsy as I am I would probably strip myself and anyone I’m walking near of our Achilles tendons.   People, myself included, can be like that emotionally too.  

How do you keep from getting numb?  I can’t pretend to answer that for other people. I suppose being aware of the numbness is the first step in avoiding hurting other people.  At the same time, there are things that are poison to us and cause numbness; emotional equivalents of eating poorly for diabetics.  I remember spending most of my teen years trying to follow the diet prescribed in Philippians 4:8.   “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things”  

It’s surprising how well it’s kept the rest of my emotional ailments from going out of control. There are many sayings of similar nature in most religions and philosophies though few people, regardless of faith, pay attention to them. 

In the last few months Shannon, I, and a few people at day care have been reminding mom to think positively about life.  I’ve never seen anything make as big of a difference as I’ve seen in her since she started trying to focus on the good in life.  Right now I think she’s doing better than me.  To any one whom I’ve stabbed in the heel today, I apologize.  I’m gonna go run now and dull my knives on the pavement. 

Beautiful

Sometimes I still play dress-up. Not exactly the same way I used to when Mom’s dresses were all too big and I shuffled along the hall in her one inch heels.  Now there is a lot less blush and lipstick and more attention to structured undergarments and eyeliner.

I felt guilty playing dress up though, vain, like I was wasting time.  Mom always took exactly fifteen minutes in the shower, and ten minutes or less to dress and do her hair.  Makeup was not pleasing to God, as “beauty should not come from outward adornment” (Peter 3:3). Sneaking makeup into the house was an interesting risk in middle school.

I may never understand some of the strict stands the church takes against the pursuit of beauty but I think I can recognize a natural desire when I see it.  It took years to acknowledge the desire for beauty in myself and convince myself that it was normal and even good.  Seeing it manifest in Mom though, to my complete surprise, makes it all the more real.  

Thursday night I picked out what I was going to wear to court in the morning.  It took a while to find something appropriate because I’ve been fluctuating weight and didn’t know how my professional clothes would fit anymore. As I went on asking Shannon “how does this look?” Mom began to do the same. She came out, probably ten different times wearing different shirts trying to see what we thought would look best with the new, green, shamrock scarf she had received at daycare. Going into her bedroom later it looked like mine! Clothes hanging in different places, lying across the bed, closet open and ransacked… (Seriously, it looked just like mine but with less shoes tossed around, she hadn’t gotten to that part yet.)

She picked the outfit out herself for Friday, and for Saturday and both days she looked great (albeit, green, very green).  I won’t elaborate on it, but I’m sure my surprise at her success speaks to how she has normally dressed herself.  It’s so refreshing to see, but also jarring.  The woman who taught me that trying to look beautiful was a sin is now wanting her ears pierced and obsessing about what to wear.  She’s not trying to please a man, or anyone really. I doubt she's thought of that. She’s never paid much attention to people’s opinions and still doesn’t. Yet, something compels her to pursue beauty and now whatever it was inside of her is not holding her back.  

Spots of Memory

I figured I would write while waiting for Shannon to be ready to watch a movie. Well, she was ready quickly so I'm writing after. We watched Pinky; a 1949 movie about a girl who had passed for a white in the north when she went up to school and then returned to her grandmother and her struggles accepting herself and the situations she found herself in. She gave up the man she loved to embrace her heritage, her family, and herself. Such a stirring movie. I'd count it next to To Kill a Mocking Bird.

There has been a lot of talk about birds today. Perhaps it's because I've been pouring over sparrow pictures and editing like crazy to try to find one that will work my tattoo. Just a little thing, a symbol - a brand I suppose really.

I always loved tiny little brown sparrows outside in the winter on the snow and associated myself with them, their small dumpy brownness, as a child. I never told anyone though, so it came as a shock when after I went away to college mom started calling me her Sparrow. In church she would smile at people and say her Sparrow came home! Anytime she spoke to people she would say it instead of my name. It didn't take long to suspect that she had forgotten my name while I was gone. She does seem to forget us kids when we aren't around. Todd doesn't get much thought after he's been gone a month, while old relatives we never knew are talked about constantly. It's a strange sensation.

Her memory has odd holes and associations. At dinner tonight she came out with; "I'm worried that when Tricia has her baby my father in-law will pass away." Shannon and I looked up from our salads "What? Why?" She said that her Grammy Milican told her that when someone dies a new baby is born in their place. Her friend Pat died a few weeks ago when Baby Leah was born so she's worried who will die when the next baby she knows of is born. Shannon and I tried to correct her but she knew better.

Her logic is hard to argue with but sometimes her memory is just confusing. Mom broke her glasses. The frame snapped right in half. She's been wearing a spare pair she had lying around all week. In trying to get them replaced tonight we found out that she's broke an old pair and the ones she was keeping as a spare are her newest prescription.  Not only was it an old pair but it is probably more than 10 years old and she's had several different pairs of glasses since then. The Dr didn't even have the prescription on record.  What happened?  How did she mix up glasses without noticing anything!  I guess I'll never know.

I do know that I'm dropping to sleep though. It's been a long day and tomorrow proves to be just as full.

Gardening Spirit

   What a beautiful week! The weather has been amazingly warm. I'm about to start some plantings in the garden. I wish I had planted lettuce 3 weeks ago, We'd be enjoying some early spinach about now. Daffodils are coming up and crocuses have already started blooming.
   Maybe this weekend I'll go down to the bay and take pictures again. Mom, at several times, asked to go to the beach last year. I'm not sure how to go about that. I suppose the boardwalk might be the only option, sand would definitely be out of the question. The back yard is bad enough! We're gonna have to save up to pave a path out to the garden so she can bring her "horsey" out and help.  What a look I gave her when she first called the walker her horsey! There's a man at daycare who challenges her to "horse races" with their walkers. I'm sure that exercise helps with her physical therapy too.
  She comes home from daycare so bubbly at times. Not long ago I walked by the auditorium when the daycare was hanging out waiting for the bus. I started in the door to say hi to her and stopped short and just watched.  She had her wheel chair pulled up to another daycare-er listening intently. He sighed and she reached over, patted his hand and started telling telling him that he will be alright and generally encouraged him and said a prayer.  I started remember all of the people mom used to go out of her way to help.  Occasionally her bleeding heart would get her into trouble and I didn't appreciate when she would drag us to countless bible studies but I stand back now and smile.
   As a side note, I'm still working on finding a family lawyer.  Everything is finished up with the estate lawyer and I have official guardianship now.
  Off to the seed store!

Heart in Hand

   There are far less explosions now that she goes to daycare. Occasionally she still shuffles around the house muttering but it's become far less abrasive these days.  Now she mutters about things we can understand her being upset about.  Instead of "opened the shade again... Stinkers!" and "If I can't do laundry I would rather be dead" now it sounds like "He can get out of the house if he's going to divorce me."  She's so much more alive and bright and mentally aware of things now that she can socialize at the home. I think the physical therapy is doing her good too because her muscles are less clenched and stiff. It surprises me how much easier getting her in and out of my car is now than it was before daycare.  Now I just have to make sure I stay in shape to get the wheel chair in and out of that tiny hatchback!

   January 2nd Mom was served with divorce papers.  Father dearest had been talking about the idea of a divorce for a month or so before, wondering if that could help get more state aid.  Since I thought he would find that being legally single wouldn't help her much and he would just put the idea out of his head I referred him to a few family lawyers and just sat back waiting for him to forget it.  I misjudged him.  He is pursing the divorce whether she gets extra money or not. We fought over that one for a while and probably will again, considering that the first court date is in March. I'm not able to say more on his part in this, condemning or redeeming him, as everyone has different factors influencing their judgments of people and I try to avoid adding my emotional b.s. to someone else's bias.  He has promised he wants to help us and keep supporting her as much as necessary.  Personally, I like things in ink.  

   Thursday, Moma and I go up to the Lawyer's office and the papers assigning me legal guardianship of her and her affairs.  I wonder if this is what having a child is like? Hopefully, I'll learn to be more affectionate to my children. The Dr. we went to last Tuesday submitted his opinion that she was capable of making decisions for her own well being. This saves me from having to convince the court to grant my guardianship. Now mom just signs it over to me.  She has said on several occasions that she's comfortable with me making decisions for her.  I wish I were a fraction as comfortable with it.  

   Next up, I have to find a family lawyer, because the one I'm working with is an estate lawyer and evidently they can't cross jurisdictions. Drawing up the papers myself is an option but meeting with the lawyer the first time was such a load off my mind that I would much rather at least have council for the divorce. 

   Moma just walked up and handed me a little red heart ornament she made at "DCHI" for me and Shan. (What's that? I think now she's muttering about chocolate.) Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I bought her a big glittery heart card, I should run out and get some candy too.  Not sure how to make it happy for her with all that's going on and Dad still in the house.   I, ironically, am going to the shooting range in the morning and closing at work. Maybe after work I'll make a strawberry champagne sangria...